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Syazana.
seventeen.
still searching for the meaning of life.
JYJ & 東方神起
love makes me cry.
there's really nothing much about me.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Everyday I'm falling.
But what they don't see is that I have wings.

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7:25 PM

My brother is a really happy man inside out. He faces lots of setbacks but he always manages, somehow.

A few weeks ago, I formspring-ed anonymously to my brother the question: "How do you fight depression?"

He replies: "Always look on the brightside of life. Do things that will make you happy."

Tomorrow, he is leaving for Thailand as part as his military trainings. It will be difficult for him, just as it was for my other brother who had gone through hell. But I believe in my brothers, always able to pull through things. Things will be fine for him.

Note, I should learn from them.

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12:48 AM
Sunday, June 19, 2011
my words.

I stumbled upon the twitter accounts and blogs or whatsoever accounts of people who hates me.
And then I stared at my own, filled with sadness and depression.
People may think that I am just having my teenage emotional moments. They don't understand me. They just choose to ignore me and leave me alone.

Looking at all this, comparing all of this, I totally feel so pathetic.
If these people who hate me would just see what I am going through right now...or see how pathetic I am by reading my posts, I am positive they would laugh at me. Right in my face.

It has been really tough for me. Even now, it is hard to explain what had truly happened. It is something people would just brush off as irrelevant, they don't see the seriousness of this. I couldn't even count on my friends so I felt scared. I felt really, really scared...

It has been nearly a month. I was crying to myself every day, and every time I knew I was alone. The feeling is just horrible and I still am afraid of it. I'm still afraid that it will come back to drown me in again...

For now, I just wish someone would have a nice chat with me. I don't want to depend on anybody, because I have said it before, everyone is too busy with their own real life to bother about how you are.

Besides, I think that my friends find me as a nuisance... Why bother them with things they don't want to be bothered with... I am such an outcast.

Sometimes, I feel so insecure. I wish I knew what to do... I just wish someone would hug me and just tell me that things are okay.
But I know that won't happen.

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8:45 PM
Friday, June 10, 2011
Day 12

Today is a very sad day. Can I have a hug? I guess not.

Received news that my friend is going through an operation today. I wish he'd recover fast..

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10:03 PM
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Day 11

I want to talk to someone ...How are you today?

There's a girl in my class that would talk to me with hatred in her voice. I just feel like tearing up thinking about it. Its not the fact that she might hate me scares me, its... something else... Feels as though I don't really have friends..

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7:57 PM
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Day 10

I’m the writer who lost his purpose
The end of this novel, how am I supposed to write it?
My own Fiction
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I keep writing these 3 words
Everything is Fiction; Setting the warn out pen on the old paper strained in tears Everything is Fiction
This story can’t be happy or sad

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7:34 PM
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Day 9

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

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7:57 PM
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day 8

Who am I to anyone...at all? No one. Not someone special...at least...

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10:17 PM
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Day 7

The more as the days passed, the more I am convinced that I am alone.
I don't hate the world for hating me, really. The only person I hate... is myself...

No one can hear me. This is my silent cry.
I am so pathetic...

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10:22 PM
Thursday, June 2, 2011

I get hurt.
From words.
From no words.
I get hurt...either way.

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10:05 PM
Day 4

Some uncle was leaning his crotch against me when I was sitting down in the bus. He was standing awfully close to me.
I was gonna fucking cry.

Someone please hug me....& tell me things will be fine.

Day 4, I need to sleep.

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12:34 AM
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Day 3

Visited my friend at the hospital today.
He says it hurt so much when he got hit by the truck that he ended up crying in pain alone until he got unconscious.

My friend is a very strong man. He's always smiling to us and is such a lovely guy...
Even the strongest man cry.
What am I?

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9:08 PM