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STOP ACCUSING ME. STOP BLAMING ME. STOP SCOLDING ME. STOP DOUBTING ME. STOP FORCING ME.

...start trusting me instead...

I'm so angry.

Labels: rants

Hello,

It hurts to keep on lying to oneself.

Doesn't anyone hear me?

I'm locked

between

these 4 walls.

Labels: rants

I hate last minute craps.

I hate things that suddenly goes out of course... Especially when you least expect it.

It makes me wants to bang my head against the concrete wall until it cracks my skull open and blood gushes out.

Like a stream of river.

Labels: rants

Hi Zana,

How have you been these days? Are you doing well? Does it still hurt?
Do you remember when you were a kid, you had everyone's love and everyone was very smitten with your cuteness? You were well adored by many. And then you thought that when you grow up, you will be an amazing person? Do you remember that?

Kids never have negative thoughts, they don't understand sadness. Which is why kids are always so positive.

But things never went your way, right? How do you feel about this? Are you sure you're alright? It's hard to face the real world, isn't it? In the real world, where people change, people change you and where you change people. It's scary, honestly.

You lost so many people, either by death or by your own foolish actions. Are you truthfully happy? Doesn't it hurts to hide it?

But honey, that's the only way to continue living.

Isn't it?

It hurts. It really hurts.

Why do flowers wilt
Why do birds fly
Why does the wind blow
Why does the moon shine above

Why am I here
Why are you here
Why did I meet you
Meeting you, that was destiny

How long has these tears been flowing? How long must I continue wearing this mask?
I'm getting suffocated for wearing this mask too long.

Zana, oh how much I hate you, words cannot express.
I'm afraid the nightmare will turn into reality.

Labels: rants

What a pig.

Labels: rants

I can't hear anyone.

The train is too loud.

The train is too fast.

I'm going to die. I'm going to collide and die

I'm going to die.





I

want

to

die.




I had another breakdown today.
They always come at the wrong time.

It also seems that everyone is happy without me.

Good for you.

Labels: rants

...but you don't care because you don't want to know.

Isn't this just sad...?

ihyihyihyihyihy

Labels: rants

It is 3am. I am writing this because I truly have nowhere else to express it.

We meet again, it seems like I only come back to you when I am at my limit.
I am this close to breaking.

I don't know what occured today. I really don't.
But I just started crying. I cried really hard.
It came back. I think it came back... (Why won't it leave me alone for good?)

I have no one. I truly have no one.
Yet, I still have to put on this façade even with my family. I can't let them know. I can't, it is such a stupid thing..

I am all alone now. I think that if I died, only my family would notice. I don't think anyone else would. Is it all my fault? I don't like to think of it as my fault.
I didn't do anything wrong. That's unfair.

Why do people always get what they want but I? I hate them. I hate you.
Everyone has really nice friends and best friends. Friends who are so close to them and texts each other 24/7. Everyone has lovely friends. Someone to hang out with, to talk with.
Everyone but I.

I am tired of always being the one taking the initiative to start even a conversation. I don't like being the only one who texts, it makes me look like a desperate freak. It is like, you don't care about me at all. So, why should I continue this? If I'd never taken the initiative, you won't ever message me. I am hurt, I am deeply hurt....

I feel stupid right now. I see everyone on Facebook suddenly knowing each other. "Oh, my best friend knows my other best friend." and suddenly, what best friend?

I am so left out. I am so outcasted. I am so hurt. But no one cares. No one even remembers me.
Of course, why would anyone want to befriend a retarded stupid person like me?

Everyone is friends with each other, except me.

I am so alone. I am so lonely.

Hate me, hate me, hate me, that's all I'm born for.
This feeling is horrible. My eyes are swollen from too much crying.
But what does it matter? No one cares.

I am so jealous, you have so many friends. Which is probably why, having one less ugly dumbo(me) won't even be noticeable for you.

I am crying again. (No one cares)

Labels: rants

Everyday I'm falling.
But what they don't see is that I have wings.

Labels: rants

My brother is a really happy man inside out. He faces lots of setbacks but he always manages, somehow.

A few weeks ago, I formspring-ed anonymously to my brother the question: "How do you fight depression?"

He replies: "Always look on the brightside of life. Do things that will make you happy."

Tomorrow, he is leaving for Thailand as part as his military trainings. It will be difficult for him, just as it was for my other brother who had gone through hell. But I believe in my brothers, always able to pull through things. Things will be fine for him.

Note, I should learn from them.

Labels: rants

I stumbled upon the twitter accounts and blogs or whatsoever accounts of people who hates me.
And then I stared at my own, filled with sadness and depression.
People may think that I am just having my teenage emotional moments. They don't understand me. They just choose to ignore me and leave me alone.

Looking at all this, comparing all of this, I totally feel so pathetic.
If these people who hate me would just see what I am going through right now...or see how pathetic I am by reading my posts, I am positive they would laugh at me. Right in my face.

It has been really tough for me. Even now, it is hard to explain what had truly happened. It is something people would just brush off as irrelevant, they don't see the seriousness of this. I couldn't even count on my friends so I felt scared. I felt really, really scared...

It has been nearly a month. I was crying to myself every day, and every time I knew I was alone. The feeling is just horrible and I still am afraid of it. I'm still afraid that it will come back to drown me in again...

For now, I just wish someone would have a nice chat with me. I don't want to depend on anybody, because I have said it before, everyone is too busy with their own real life to bother about how you are.

Besides, I think that my friends find me as a nuisance... Why bother them with things they don't want to be bothered with... I am such an outcast.

Sometimes, I feel so insecure. I wish I knew what to do... I just wish someone would hug me and just tell me that things are okay.
But I know that won't happen.

Labels: rants

Today is a very sad day. Can I have a hug? I guess not.

Received news that my friend is going through an operation today. I wish he'd recover fast..

Labels: rants

I want to talk to someone ...How are you today?

There's a girl in my class that would talk to me with hatred in her voice. I just feel like tearing up thinking about it. Its not the fact that she might hate me scares me, its... something else... Feels as though I don't really have friends..

Labels: rants

I’m the writer who lost his purpose
The end of this novel, how am I supposed to write it?
My own Fiction
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I keep writing these 3 words
Everything is Fiction; Setting the warn out pen on the old paper strained in tears Everything is Fiction
This story can’t be happy or sad

Labels: rants

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Labels: rants

Who am I to anyone...at all? No one. Not someone special...at least...

Labels: rants

The more as the days passed, the more I am convinced that I am alone.
I don't hate the world for hating me, really. The only person I hate... is myself...

No one can hear me. This is my silent cry.
I am so pathetic...

Labels: rants

I get hurt.
From words.
From no words.
I get hurt...either way.

Labels: rants

Some uncle was leaning his crotch against me when I was sitting down in the bus. He was standing awfully close to me.
I was gonna fucking cry.

Someone please hug me....& tell me things will be fine.
Day 4, I need to sleep.

Labels: rants

Visited my friend at the hospital today.
He says it hurt so much when he got hit by the truck that he ended up crying in pain alone until he got unconscious.

My friend is a very strong man. He's always smiling to us and is such a lovely guy...
Even the strongest man cry.
What am I?

Labels: rants